I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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