Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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