he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
