when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
