It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We had sex on a dog bed..
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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