I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
