i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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