My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
