You can't special order awesome
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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