Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
