omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
