Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
