mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
