I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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