when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
