i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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