im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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