I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
