I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
