he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
