her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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