I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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