Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
