I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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