I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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