Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
