I just made out with a guy for $7.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
