I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
