Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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