My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
