So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
