If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
