Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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