I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
