dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
