if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
