never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
