How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
