do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
