3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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