But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
