Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
