Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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