He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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