what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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