chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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