every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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