I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
