i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
