Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
